Hate

There is a quote I've seen countless times and every time I do, it really makes me think.  It reads: 

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught.  I have a two-year-old son.  You know what he hates?  Naps!  End of list." -Dennis Leary

I could not agree more.  I was raised in a home with a mother who took everyone’s side.  We would come home from school and say, "mommy, mommy, this girl at school did x, y and z to me!"  She would look at us and respond with, "Well what did you do to her?"

For years and years this bothered me so very much, to the core really!  How could my own mother not instantly take my side?  Why would she not join in and bash this girl, boy, teacher, whoever I was angry with?  I felt betrayed!  I felt shortchanged and for many years I had a hard spot in my heart about it. 

It's really funny when people tell you that you will understand one day when you're older.  You want to punch them in the face when you hear it.  But guess what?  It's true.  LOL It's SO true. 

Now that I'm older, (and wiser?!), I am realizing that maybe what my mom taught me is more valuable than her just taking my side and hating this other party.  I see that she taught me to examine my own actions and see what part I played in each and every situation.  It always takes two to tango!  She could have taught me to hate.  She could have agreed with everything I felt and validated my hate with hers.  But she didn’t.  She taught me to not hate. 

Going through a divorce; this is a huge, monstrous feat.  Not everyone is capable of it.  It’s hard to do, seemingly impossible at times but for me it’s been where I find peace in the chaos that surrounds me.  I am able to take a step back and realize that the hatred or anger I feel is irrational emotion only.  What is hate and anger actually going to accomplish?  Who wants to deal with someone who is pissed off and mean?  My ex is full of hate and anger and he is unhappy, unfulfilled and extremely hard to deal with.

If I could give one piece of advice to new parents, teens nearing graduation or even seasoned adults plugging along in life, it would be to not hate.  Hate accomplishing nothing.  Hate and anger fuel violence.  Teach your children and yourself to step back and examine the situation for what it is.  If you don’t agree or can’t come to a resolution, walk away, get an outside opinion, sleep on it but don’t hate!    

Am I really almost 32?!

So I really did have the best intentions of keeping my blog up and running on a regular basis.  Opps!  So much has happened in the last year that I will have to take the events in pieces over my next few posts.

The biggest, and most surprising probably, is that I am now single.  Yep, the dreaded D hit our home.  This isn't the time nor the place for details of what went wrong or what didn't go right and the end result is the same, so I will spare you all the gory details.

Last week I received my lease renewal from the apartment complex in which I live.  That means it's officially been a year since I moved here.  Shocking.  I have a modest 2 bedroom in a lovely, mostly quiet complex in a great location.  The first 6 months of living here happened in a fog.  I remember bits and pieces, some events standing out in vivid detail, others merely seem dreamlike and I'm not sure if they actually even happened anymore.  I will say, now that I'm out of it, that I was in a really dark place.

The human body is fascinating in that it truly is resilient.  It goes into a protective state.  Even when you feel like the world is going to literally crush you at any moment, you somehow make it through.  Autopilot is a term that comes to mind.  Some people, obviously not my close friends, but people I see regularly, may not have even noticed that big of a change.  But I did.  I was withdrawn, weepy, angry, tired and sometimes the exact opposite!  Depression hit me, hard.    I had giant ups and downward spirals.  I lost a ton of weight.  I cut my hair.  I cancelled my FB (gasp) and shut people out.  Thank God I have two of the best friends I could possibly imagine.  Each of them provides something in my life that I crave - and honestly need like the air I breathe.  I also have a huge support system from my family, my parents and my sisters rallied around me like they never have and that was an incredible thing to experience.

I was dragged kicking and screaming to a Halloween party in late October, literally I was bawling my eyes out on my patio just minutes before getting into the car.  That night changed my life.  It was my first night out in 6 months - the first night I remember anyway, this is why I say things were dreamlike, I very well may have gone out before that, in fact I'm sure I must have, but I wasn't really there.  I was trapped inside my head.  But this night was different.  This night I ran into old friends, made new ones and was able to remember who I was.  That I was alive, and young and beautiful still!  That I have my entire life ahead of me!  Sure I have tough days, weeks even.  But that was the turning point.  I'm so grateful for what that night has brought me.  I am so excited to see where it takes me in the future too.